Some people have way too much time on their hands! This is a collection of some of the funnier stuff that I've received via email that I thought might be worth keeping around.
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My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about. "My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished. "My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!! My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home." My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father." My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand." And my all time favorite... JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out just like you |
Those of us who live in H ouston know all of this is true........
Houston - from a Houstonian
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is
Hugh-stun not Howstun.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has
its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston.
They all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610... which
has no beginning and no end.
The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic
a "scenic drive."
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday
morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on
the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native.
Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59, Loop 610 is a way of life and
a permanent form of entertainment.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh,
we must be in Pasadena!!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have total right of way.
The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85. Anything less
is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is not ornamental.
Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone...
people are not waving when they go by.
The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
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